Failure...?
"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."
-Beverly Sills
What a good quote. It meant so little until these past few weeks. I have fucked up so badly. I have honestly been the kind of person that I have always despised. I keep ranting about hurting her, but I did. I fucked up. I honestly hate myself for my actions. Part of me wants to fucking end it all. I mean it. Just fucking end everything in life, but what does that amount to in the end? More suffering for her, my friends, and my family. It's so dangerous to toy with death. It's selfish, it's wrong, but it's still a thought. It's not normal to think this way, and yet I sit here and think it. But, thinking is just thinking, right? I hate being so selfish and this is just another selfish thought. I'm just... how can I talk all the time and never know the right words or any words for that matter. What the fuck would I do without Hannah and Ashley? It's not even a joke, I don't think I'd be doing anything. And the most evil of thoughts would be much more prevalent in my mind. I read a pamphlet for Jewish teens about suicide prevention. I've read stories about these teens who kill themselves, and I can understand why. That's not normal to think like that. I'm not supposed to fucking think like that. I'm supposed to be aghast at these kids who take 156 tylenols and then die of kidney failure. I'm not. I know why they do it. I'm not going to do it. But, I hurt all of my friends. I lied, I was deceiptful, I was cruel. For what? What did it accomplish? I don't even know why I did it. It's fucking pathetic. That's all it is. My life is fucking pathetic. How can I be such an asshole that I hurt the one girl I love more than anything? The girl who I want to spend my life with forever? I just, I suck. I hate myself so much. I really do. I hate who I started to become and I can feel myself cracking. It's going to happen, I just know it. I pray every day that today won't be the day, but who knows what will happen when I do. It's going to fucking happen, and I don't know what will happen to me.
-Beverly Sills
What a good quote. It meant so little until these past few weeks. I have fucked up so badly. I have honestly been the kind of person that I have always despised. I keep ranting about hurting her, but I did. I fucked up. I honestly hate myself for my actions. Part of me wants to fucking end it all. I mean it. Just fucking end everything in life, but what does that amount to in the end? More suffering for her, my friends, and my family. It's so dangerous to toy with death. It's selfish, it's wrong, but it's still a thought. It's not normal to think this way, and yet I sit here and think it. But, thinking is just thinking, right? I hate being so selfish and this is just another selfish thought. I'm just... how can I talk all the time and never know the right words or any words for that matter. What the fuck would I do without Hannah and Ashley? It's not even a joke, I don't think I'd be doing anything. And the most evil of thoughts would be much more prevalent in my mind. I read a pamphlet for Jewish teens about suicide prevention. I've read stories about these teens who kill themselves, and I can understand why. That's not normal to think like that. I'm not supposed to fucking think like that. I'm supposed to be aghast at these kids who take 156 tylenols and then die of kidney failure. I'm not. I know why they do it. I'm not going to do it. But, I hurt all of my friends. I lied, I was deceiptful, I was cruel. For what? What did it accomplish? I don't even know why I did it. It's fucking pathetic. That's all it is. My life is fucking pathetic. How can I be such an asshole that I hurt the one girl I love more than anything? The girl who I want to spend my life with forever? I just, I suck. I hate myself so much. I really do. I hate who I started to become and I can feel myself cracking. It's going to happen, I just know it. I pray every day that today won't be the day, but who knows what will happen when I do. It's going to fucking happen, and I don't know what will happen to me.
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