Trouble in paradise?

I don't know, but I feel like something is very wrong. I can't really discuss my whole feelings on it. I am just struggling. I thought this was going to be easier, because love was involved. However, what I imagined would be easy is harder than I could ever ever imagine. Tonight Abi was going with JOR to Shakespeare on the Green. But, I guess John bailed to spend time with Mariah. When Ashley told me I started to cry. I don't mean little tears, I mean like hysterical. I doubt anything happened, I am pretty damn fucking sure, but there's a pang in the pit of my stomach. I have had no contact with her at all, part of me really wants to go and just see her, but then logic comes back into the picture and I know to stay away. Isn't that what is best? I panicked tonight. I was at this hip hop concert, and I just wanted to collapse and vomit. Why is this so fucking hard? Love is insane like that. Love makes things so much different. I feel lost. I want to be found.