I am a retard.
WHY WHY WHY? Why do I still love you? Well, I'll always love you. How can you stop loving someone? You can't, but why is right now so particuarly hard? I don't want another relationship. I can't hold hands with people, I'm cold and uncaring. I don't want to talk about myself with people, I think Kim is the only one I talk to here. I'm physically and emotionally cold. I can't drink here. Everytime I drink I vomit. I don't long for home like I did last year, I enjoy it here. I am glad I have Kim as a friend. It's interesting how different my friendship is with her than it is with Hannah, Ashley, Jen, Margaret, or Molly. Every friend is different. That's nice.
I wonder if I was more of a jerk then things would be different. I don't know what to think, I don't think being an asshole makes things better. Especially not with us. I guess there will never really be an us again. But, maybe we'll be friends someday, but maybe not. That would suck, because there are times when I know you'd have the best advice. But, who knows. There's still another two months of silence.
I'm sorry about your grandfather. Having a grandfather in the hospital is the worse. When my grandpa was in the hospital I wasn't allowed to see him. I hated my parents for that, but I was 10, and I didn't understand. I used to hate the hospital for letting my grandpa die. I used to have nightmares about him and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I hated myself for not knowing him better. I hated myself for everytime I told myself I disliked him because he had scolded me, but he loved me. I miss running into his office and hugging him or going out to lunch with him and my father when I had days off of school. Life is fragile, and there are many things we regret in hindsight. I remember the day he died. It was the first time I saw my father cry. It's tough to know that you are helpless. I wish that I could hug you and rub your back and tell you it will be ok. I can't do that for you. I promise you it will be ok, I give you my word on this. It won't be at first, but it will with time. Time supposedly heals all wounds, but death sucks. Death is permanent. The thing to remember is not to be sad about the death, because although it is sad, it's the memories we have. A person can never truly be dead if we remember them.
Everything that has happened to you has happened to someone else before, and to that's a comforting thing. Other people have survived the same things that you. I don't know if any of this helps. But, I suppose that you shouldn't feel so bad about the things you didn't do, but the things that you did do with your grandfather.
I wonder if I was more of a jerk then things would be different. I don't know what to think, I don't think being an asshole makes things better. Especially not with us. I guess there will never really be an us again. But, maybe we'll be friends someday, but maybe not. That would suck, because there are times when I know you'd have the best advice. But, who knows. There's still another two months of silence.
I'm sorry about your grandfather. Having a grandfather in the hospital is the worse. When my grandpa was in the hospital I wasn't allowed to see him. I hated my parents for that, but I was 10, and I didn't understand. I used to hate the hospital for letting my grandpa die. I used to have nightmares about him and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I hated myself for not knowing him better. I hated myself for everytime I told myself I disliked him because he had scolded me, but he loved me. I miss running into his office and hugging him or going out to lunch with him and my father when I had days off of school. Life is fragile, and there are many things we regret in hindsight. I remember the day he died. It was the first time I saw my father cry. It's tough to know that you are helpless. I wish that I could hug you and rub your back and tell you it will be ok. I can't do that for you. I promise you it will be ok, I give you my word on this. It won't be at first, but it will with time. Time supposedly heals all wounds, but death sucks. Death is permanent. The thing to remember is not to be sad about the death, because although it is sad, it's the memories we have. A person can never truly be dead if we remember them.
Everything that has happened to you has happened to someone else before, and to that's a comforting thing. Other people have survived the same things that you. I don't know if any of this helps. But, I suppose that you shouldn't feel so bad about the things you didn't do, but the things that you did do with your grandfather.
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