Can we really be friends again?

I talked with Mariah tonight. It was nice to talk to her again. She knows me and can give me advice on my new relationship. I'm feeling funky. I think about Steve dying a lot. I want to be home. I want to be with my family. I want to be there. I can't. Death is pretty scary because we can't control it. We have no control for the most part over whether we live or die. I mean there are things we can do to prevent our death, but maybe not. Maybe fate has this crazy plan that we don't know about at all. I am so mad at him. That's not how it's supposed to be, you're not supposed to be mad at someone who is dead, but it doesn't matter to them. They're dead. But, if he had taken deeper breaths and moved around more he wouldn't have gotten pneumonia. I'm upset that someone so awesome is dead. I'm upset because I didn't get to say goodbye. I'm upset because he's dead. I'm upset because it makes me feel out of control. I worry that I'm going to try and be more controlling of other things in my life. I'm scared of that to be honest. I don't want to push people away by being too domineering. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck things up with her. Because I do like her. I don't know. It's been a tough weekend. I spent the day at the E.R. with my roommate. And just sitting in the hospital made me want to cry. Just knowing that my parents were sitting in a hospital room with all their close friends watching one die kills me. I want to be home. I want to be hugged by my parents and just cry. Because what if it is them next? What if something unexpected happens to them and I can't be there for them? I want to go home just for a few days so I can walk around Memorial and hash shit out in my head. It's 3:37 now, and I'm not exhausted. I really want her to be here, because sleeping alone is hard to do, because there's so much to think about right now. I probably won't sleep much this week, which means I'm going to be so cranky by the end of this week. Maybe I'll call Aryeh tomorrow. Part of me wants to call now. I don't know. This post's title isn't really relevant anymore, but I don't care to change it. I don't know. I don't know.