What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing!
My family is hilarious. I had dinner tonight with my cousins. Ok, they aren't really my cousins by blood, however, my grandma was BFF with this woman named Marilyn. And our families have always been friends. So, all the kids in my generation are like cousins. Let me introduce the characters...
Robert
He's quiet. He's kinda creepy seeming, but he married Jo and produced three awesome kids with his seed, so how bad can he be?
Jane
She's my mom. She's a hard ass with a semi sweet heart of gold.
Harlan
He's my father. He's got an amazing sense of humor and is funny as all hell.
Jo
Jo is married to Robert. She's loud and funny. She's the oldest of three and has three kids of her own. Her mother's most definitely insane. She's just as funny as my dad.
Me
Self-explanatory
Sarina
She's 16 and one of the funniest people I know. She's quick to call people on their bullshit, but an awesome friend to have.
Anne
My little sister. I find her pretty damn annoying, but she has her funny moments.
So, we're sitting at the dinner table. We're talking about Jo's sister Doe and her family. All of a sudden Sarina yells out, "I hate Harry he's such a little bitch." Everyone of course cracks up, but it doesn't end with her. Pretty soon everyone is chipping in about what a little bitch he is... eventually the conversation turns into a talk about Alex's (Doe's daughter) bat mitzvah. Basically, Sarina and I were attacked by seventh graders and we told them to go away, but of course in not so nice words. Then Doe proceeds to lecture me about being nice. So, this lovely homosexual Joe and I drink a bit and go and then hunt down this little snitch. Sarina, already hunted her down and was like, "No one likes a snitch." Regardless, we hunt this 12 year old bitch down in laser tag and we just keep shooting her. Then she kicks me in the shin... and all hell almost broke loose, but it turned into Joe and I making her cry. Back to dinner though, so after we all laughed about the various shenanigans that ensued in laser tag alone we told stories about Aileen, who is a demented old woman who shouldn't be drinking anymore (p.s. she's my godmother, her husband is the one who just died). So, Aileen decided to go to the bar next door and get something to drink. There was no bartender behind the bar and being old school, she went behind the bar and went to fix herself a drink. Sarina, never missing a beat, quips "Do you think she paid for her drink after she stole it?" We talked about grocery stores for a while before we turned the discussion to the favorite grandchildren of Marilyn (Jo's mom). Sarina interjects that she is either the least favorite or the second least following her brother Noah. She explains that Adam is the first, followed by Madelyn, Alex, Sydney, Noah or Sarina (it changes). Marilyn is hilarious because she's old and follows the rule that old people can do whatever they want. Actually, most old people seem to use this rule and often interrupt me at Shabbat dinner. Fucking old people. Yeah, dinner was fun.
Robert
He's quiet. He's kinda creepy seeming, but he married Jo and produced three awesome kids with his seed, so how bad can he be?
Jane
She's my mom. She's a hard ass with a semi sweet heart of gold.
Harlan
He's my father. He's got an amazing sense of humor and is funny as all hell.
Jo
Jo is married to Robert. She's loud and funny. She's the oldest of three and has three kids of her own. Her mother's most definitely insane. She's just as funny as my dad.
Me
Self-explanatory
Sarina
She's 16 and one of the funniest people I know. She's quick to call people on their bullshit, but an awesome friend to have.
Anne
My little sister. I find her pretty damn annoying, but she has her funny moments.
So, we're sitting at the dinner table. We're talking about Jo's sister Doe and her family. All of a sudden Sarina yells out, "I hate Harry he's such a little bitch." Everyone of course cracks up, but it doesn't end with her. Pretty soon everyone is chipping in about what a little bitch he is... eventually the conversation turns into a talk about Alex's (Doe's daughter) bat mitzvah. Basically, Sarina and I were attacked by seventh graders and we told them to go away, but of course in not so nice words. Then Doe proceeds to lecture me about being nice. So, this lovely homosexual Joe and I drink a bit and go and then hunt down this little snitch. Sarina, already hunted her down and was like, "No one likes a snitch." Regardless, we hunt this 12 year old bitch down in laser tag and we just keep shooting her. Then she kicks me in the shin... and all hell almost broke loose, but it turned into Joe and I making her cry. Back to dinner though, so after we all laughed about the various shenanigans that ensued in laser tag alone we told stories about Aileen, who is a demented old woman who shouldn't be drinking anymore (p.s. she's my godmother, her husband is the one who just died). So, Aileen decided to go to the bar next door and get something to drink. There was no bartender behind the bar and being old school, she went behind the bar and went to fix herself a drink. Sarina, never missing a beat, quips "Do you think she paid for her drink after she stole it?" We talked about grocery stores for a while before we turned the discussion to the favorite grandchildren of Marilyn (Jo's mom). Sarina interjects that she is either the least favorite or the second least following her brother Noah. She explains that Adam is the first, followed by Madelyn, Alex, Sydney, Noah or Sarina (it changes). Marilyn is hilarious because she's old and follows the rule that old people can do whatever they want. Actually, most old people seem to use this rule and often interrupt me at Shabbat dinner. Fucking old people. Yeah, dinner was fun.
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