Hmm

It's hard to be honest, because people don't really want to hear the truth, and the truth is different for everyone. The best we cand do is say what we feel.

A funny thing happend on the way to the forum...

Wow, yesterday was an interesting day. I was walking to class and saw the amazingly beautiful Jessi, who stopped and had a brief conversation with me. I then immediately following that saw a girl wearing a coat and gloves. It should be noted that it was probably 60 degrees out. Class was actually pretty engaging I enjoyed people actually speaking their minds. That is quite unusual. Most people say what they think they should be saying. My afternoon wasn't that exciting. I talked to Mariah online. I told her I was contemplating going to a lecture during Sleaze Week about giving good oral sex. It really seemed to upset her. And, rather than talking about it she did the whole, alright fuck it I'm not going to be online and deal with this ordeal. So, then I messed around while Jen napped for 3 hours or so. We went Bates and ate with Anju, Jesse (a boy), Casey, and Julian. Jesse and Julian got into an agrument and I honestly thought that punches were going to be thrown between the two. Luckily, that did not happen. So, the boys argued for 15 minutes while we walked to this lecture on Female Promiscuity. The woman who gave the lecture was really interesting and really intriguing. She has a cool tv show coming out on the Discovery channel. After the lecture Jen, Sabrina, and I were hanging in the atrium. Jesse left and basically didn't say goodbye to us. Finally, Casey and Julian came out and this obnoxious kid named Max, who is in 3D animation with Jesse and me, came over to us with a friend. He goes to this girl, "You see this kid, he started calling this girl he used to go with a bitch and cunt..." Julian turns around and he calmly asks him what he is doing. Max continues to be a jerk and then just walks away. So, we all (Jen, Casey, Julian, and myself) sat down in the atrium and talked about the situation. Then we went to Julian's room and watched them make music and play beats. It was amazing. Casey wrote a really awesome song. After a while, I called Tess to say what's up and she said that maybe she'd come over, which Jen and I knew meant that she wouldn't. Meanwhile Casey ordered us yummy Argonaut. Then we watched the Chapelle Show. At about 12:44 I decided to go to bed. I came home and talked to Tess for awhile online. Then she decided to go to bed, but promised to call me today... I doubt that's going to happen. I've kinda come to the feeling that if we hook up that'd be groovy, but if we dont' that's groovy too. I don't even know how much I want to hook up with her. I don't necessarily want a rebound or anything of that sort. I definitely enjoy her company though, and oddly enough her bed sheets. Now before you go thinking, whoa her bed sheets!?!, her mom owns a linen company. I definitely think I'm going to be buying bedsheets from them when I start making money this summer. Because they are so soft and they are so gorgeous. I spent a night with Tess where I learned about sheets and linen. I'm a nerd. Alright, I am off to class.

A Better Son/ Daughter - Rilo Kiley

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will help me this time
And your mother’s still calling you insane
And I swear that it’s different this time
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her and that god never
blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them….

Another one bites the dust...

So today is Papa Leo's funeral. Weird. I wish I could be home. I want to be with my family and have them support me and me support them. I, like everyone, am upset that he is dead, but there's also a lot of suffering that he won't have to endure. He was such an amazing man, and it sucks that it was all lost to alzheimer's. What a messed up disease. It's not so bad at the end because you just don't know anything, but at the beginning you know you're losing thoughts and that must be the worse feeling ever. My cousin David has no real memories of Papa Leo, and even my memories of him are a bit shakey. Dad says Aileen isn't doing so hot, but what else could you expect when your husband dies and you are already crazy. It's hard watching people start to die because I know it's only a matter of time before the rest of my grandparents die and god willing it's a long time. But, wow. I wish I had more words to describe how I feel. I just wish I could be with my family. This is one of the reasons I want to be in the midwest. I want it to be easy to come home. I feel so disconnected out here. I want it to be five hours to see my family and five hours to see my friends. This isn't to say that I don't like college, because I do. But, it's just a struggle to be so far away from everyone.

Interesting thought...

If nothing is ok, is everything ok?

Interesting thing I found on AIM

There are times in life where one must look back upon their life and decide whether the best course of action was taken. If so, then stay upon that path and hope to never stray. If not, one must square their shoulders for the task of setting things right, for it is never easier than doing it right the first time.

Dreams

I thought the dreams would stop. I thould I'd have a good nights sleep. You know I liked it better when I couldn't sleep more than three hours a night. Now I am tired at midnight and I dream for eight hours. And they aren't regular dreams... like unicorns and ponies... no, because that would be nice. It's about people I know dying, my own misery, Mariah's joy, and my own confusion. Last night I was violent in a dream. I mean like I beat the shit out of people, what kind of dream is that? Maybe it's just my jealousy. I still have this hope that Mariah and I are going to get back together, but the more I read about Jake in her journal or Hannah's I begin to realize that maybe we won't. And that sucks. It really sucks for lack of a better term. She says it doesn't mean anything, but didn't Sean not mean anything in the beginning? Am I doomed to become something like Wes? I worry. I pine.