What music am I listening to? Good Question!

Portions of Foxes- Rilo Kiley
A Better Son/Daughter- Rilo Kiley
Bully - Eminem
Banana Phone - Raffi
Glendora - Rilo Kiley
We'll Never Sleep (God Knows We'll Try) - Rilo Kiley
Go Ahead - Rilo Kiley
Somebody Told Me- The Killers
If It Makes You Happy- Sheryl Crow
My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow
Upside Down From Here - Atom and His Package
Before We Say Goodbye - 2ge+her
I Wish You Well - Josie and The Pussycats
What's the Dillio - Mest
Until I Hear it From You - Gin Blossoms
Take Me Out -Scissor Sisters

That's not all of it. But, those are most of my recently played songs. I thought I would spare you all the Raffi songs.

Folk music of the Irish persuasion

I went with Sabrina and Sarah to see Isaac Alderson, Sam Saldin, and this guy named Keith from Vermont. They are really amazing. I was quite impressed. I've actually seen Isaac play before at the Malt House. That's the Irish bar in Yonkers. I am actually really impressed with how good they were. I needed to repeat that. Sarah went to flirt with Isaac, but I think she too enjoyed the music. Sabrina however was not so amused. She reminded me of my dad at social get togethers. She made small talk with the people she knew (me) and was introduced to a few people. Isaac is from Chicago and he went to high school with Meg Grunewald, whom I know from OSRUI. We met at the Malt House and we've talked online a few times via The Facebook. Right now I am watching Eurotrip. I am also counting down the days until the best day in the year! April 17!

When other friendships have been forgot...

Sara and I have been friends since seventh grade when she moved here from Maryland. We've always had similar senses of humor and we got along quite well I would say. Last night we were talking about expressing our emotions and it was interesting how similar our experiences were. It's interesting that our families really don't talk about our feelings. Maybe it was the way they were raised, but it just doesn't happen in our homes. It's interesting to compare my family with Hannah's. I think Mary makes sure that she knows how her girls are feeling and my mom just doesn't do it. It's interesting to me that I never grew up discussing how things felt. We discussed things not by how we felt, but how they are. Sara suggested the my new policy be openness and I totally agree. It is something I really want to work on right now. Being open with myself, my family, and my friends. The family part will probably be the most difficult, but it's worth a shot. I lost my train of thought... hrm. I guess I'm not going to continue to write if I'm going to rant... oh nevermind. Sara made me feel better about M not talking to me. I think she's the first person to do that. It really sucks though, but if this is what she needs then ok. I really do love her, and maybe we'll never even be friends again, but I want her to be happy.

(Thinking of You) I Drive Myself Crazy

I feel like my life is a series of adventures where I fuck shit up. Wow, I write the most depressing entries. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that talking to her would help things, but it didn't. If she needs time then she can have all the time she wants. If she wants to see other people then she should go ahead. It reminds me of the Alanis Morrissette song I gave her:

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose a path that you want if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
you can share your so-called sheen filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached)

you owe me nothing for giving the love that I give you
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving , it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

you can ask for space for yourself, and only yourself and I'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well, or time to travel and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself ,or love someone else and I'll support it
you can ask for anything you want, anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached)

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoot will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you're wondering how far you have lived in set, you're way back into debt
this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is

You can't express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and i'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss. I'll emphathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase down your passion, and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

Or maybe the Rilo Kiley song "Rest of My Life"
There are worst ways for a guy to spend his time
Than to sit and think of you
I think I'd marry you
Just your smile leaves me satisfied
Though you're not mine

So for the rest of my life
I'm gonna search for someone just like you

And we'd tend the garden all day long
Watching history unfold
And I'd be enough
And you'd be enough
And we'd grow old

So for the rest of my life
I'm gonna search for someone just like you

I am also listening to Rilo Kiley's "Go Ahead"

f you want to find yourself by travelling out west
Or if you want to find somebody else that's better
Go ahead

If you want to buy a brand new fancy automobile
Or if you want to build a place up in Coldwater Canyon
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to hold your own hand going up that cliff
Or if you want to just hold back cause you ain't up to it
Go ahead
Be my guest
Go ahead

If you want to hold on to the first girl that you meet
Or if you want to settle down and plant roses at my feet
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to have your cake and eat it too
Or if you want to have other people watch you while you eat it
Go ahead

If you want better things, I want you to have them
If you want better things, I want you to have them
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

These songs are playing in my head non-stop.

Failure...?

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."
-Beverly Sills

What a good quote. It meant so little until these past few weeks. I have fucked up so badly. I have honestly been the kind of person that I have always despised. I keep ranting about hurting her, but I did. I fucked up. I honestly hate myself for my actions. Part of me wants to fucking end it all. I mean it. Just fucking end everything in life, but what does that amount to in the end? More suffering for her, my friends, and my family. It's so dangerous to toy with death. It's selfish, it's wrong, but it's still a thought. It's not normal to think this way, and yet I sit here and think it. But, thinking is just thinking, right? I hate being so selfish and this is just another selfish thought. I'm just... how can I talk all the time and never know the right words or any words for that matter. What the fuck would I do without Hannah and Ashley? It's not even a joke, I don't think I'd be doing anything. And the most evil of thoughts would be much more prevalent in my mind. I read a pamphlet for Jewish teens about suicide prevention. I've read stories about these teens who kill themselves, and I can understand why. That's not normal to think like that. I'm not supposed to fucking think like that. I'm supposed to be aghast at these kids who take 156 tylenols and then die of kidney failure. I'm not. I know why they do it. I'm not going to do it. But, I hurt all of my friends. I lied, I was deceiptful, I was cruel. For what? What did it accomplish? I don't even know why I did it. It's fucking pathetic. That's all it is. My life is fucking pathetic. How can I be such an asshole that I hurt the one girl I love more than anything? The girl who I want to spend my life with forever? I just, I suck. I hate myself so much. I really do. I hate who I started to become and I can feel myself cracking. It's going to happen, I just know it. I pray every day that today won't be the day, but who knows what will happen when I do. It's going to fucking happen, and I don't know what will happen to me.

Another poem...

Distance

I think about you when I open my eyes
Hoping that what I see next
Is the sunbeam
of your two almond-shaped diamond eyes
Which lightens me
Up to the farthest corners of my soul

I think about you when I close my eyes
Inside my utopian dream world
A place wherein I can be in peace
Just feeling your breath
And your loving arms around me
Just filling me with tranquillity
Through the depths of my subconscious mind

Sometimes I just want to quit
It is so hard not to see you
I cannot take the distance
A silent voice inside of me screams very loudly
I want to be with you now
I know it will be quite some time
But I just know we will make it
It’s you and me for always
As long as we both shall live

I am craving you badly,
I never loved someone like this
And nobody ever loved me this way before
Dear God, let her be the one please
My eyes are playing tricks on me
My heart beats faster and faster
I am infuriated
I never longed for something this way
I close my eyes forcefully
I open them and tears flow out





Spending time with you shook my being
Every minute with you froze
It’s a different feeling
It made me believe I’m so blessed
It made me embrace life more,
It built a burning desire
A craving nothing could please
Except to hold you again

I can’t believe that time flies so fast
Being with you makes me so happy
I never looked forward to seeing tomorrow
Until now
Because I know that for every day that passes
It brings me closer and closer to seeing you
holding you, touching you,
kissing you, hugging you
and feeling your body next to mine.

Just the thought of spending time with you
Makes me excited day in and day out
It’s like adrenaline rising up to my body continuously
Just hearing your voice creates an echo of illusions
It is like a tidal wave that affects me as a whole
Which drowns me and make me forget
my moments of solitude
It is an indescribable force that takes over
A power that is so fierce that it can make me forget
That I exist

Breath-taking sunrises have passed by
But you know I’d trade it to see you bey
It’s incomparable to your bright smile
And your beaming personality
The sun sets and the majestic moon rises again
Another day has passed silently
My loneliness temporarily disappears
Because I know
it’s time to be with you again



I slowly open my eyes and
I awake from my dream
Just smiling, ablaze and happy
Because You kissed me gently and
you softly whispered in my ear,
“It will be us no matter what…”

I found this poem...

WEAKNESS

If not a brave soul living
dared enough to speak like this about you.

Well, allow me to stand out from the rest.

With just a glimpse of you, my w h o l e world stops moving.

I am simply mesmerized just by staring at your face,

it’s like gazing through the first traces of daylight
after waking up in the morning,
in which, the glow from your face
s l o w l y
illuminates my body up to the farthest corners of my soul.

When you smile,
armies of imprisoned souls are set free.

It fills hope to countless desolate minds,
including myself.
Just by smiling,
you have presented eternal life to my deceased spirit.

Hearing your voice is like listening to angels singing
as I kneel down and pray in front of heaven’s gates…

full of bliss and so calm, in which creates a melody of freedom.
releasing every emotion for you that I have felt…

I want to get drunk with the fragrance of your skin,

just the scent of it dissolves all my fears and insecurities
transforming them into parachutes of reasons to face whatever
adversities that I may encounter.


Being with you melts the
frozen ocean of fire
that I have built
with my bare hands.

You lure me to dive into the icy waters of love
that drowned me

before.

This time,
something inside me is telling me that
I finally found the one who can save me...


I am now having a hard time extinguishing these flames from reigniting…

So I ask myself now,

how can I not fall for you?
silently, I searched an answer to this question.

It came unexpectedly,

making a brave soul find its weakness…



you.

In my lifetime, I only consider two people that I have shared my soul with.

Today, I offer you mine.

Do not ask for whom the bell tolls

Death... it sucks. But, it's inevitable. No one can escape it and maybe that's why it is so scary. Throughout my life, I will lose people forever, and that scares that shit out of me. Once again I'm learning that someone close to me is dying. We can't be selfish about death, because it isn't really about us it?

Well, I guess it is, it doesn't matter to the dead, they're dead. My godfather is dying. He's old. He's in his 80s. He has such advanced alzheimer's that he is basically a vegetable. But, nonetheless, he's dying. Who knows how long it will be before he dies? I guess only God. I will no doubt go home for the funeral, if the school year is not over, and I will see cousins who I haven't seen in a few years. We will make small talk and eat M&Ms. Then we'll tell stories from our childhoods and hear stories from the adults. But, it only makes me fear the inevitable deaths of the rest of my grandparents. Hannah says that death is a gateway, but I don't know about that. No one has ever been back to tell us about it. I guess it's all about faith.