Online

Mariah signed online and all I wanted to do was IM her. To tell her hi and that I missed her. But, I have yet to IM her. I just keep staring at her screenname. I've opened the box a few times, but then I've closed it. Why is it that when I need to be strong I feel the weakest?

But I Might Die Tonight

Today was decent. I drove to Denver with my family. It was uneventful... to say the least. I had left the Scientology page of Wikipedia open, so I read to the family about Scientology. The concept of Xenu made everyone in the car laugh. So, all night dad referred to things as powered by Zuul. Which led us to discuss Xenu at desert tonight. What a concept. Read up on it folks... it's funny. F'real.

Forget me not...

Fuck me. I don't know anymore. I just don't know, and it's killing me.

Trouble in paradise?

I don't know, but I feel like something is very wrong. I can't really discuss my whole feelings on it. I am just struggling. I thought this was going to be easier, because love was involved. However, what I imagined would be easy is harder than I could ever ever imagine. Tonight Abi was going with JOR to Shakespeare on the Green. But, I guess John bailed to spend time with Mariah. When Ashley told me I started to cry. I don't mean little tears, I mean like hysterical. I doubt anything happened, I am pretty damn fucking sure, but there's a pang in the pit of my stomach. I have had no contact with her at all, part of me really wants to go and just see her, but then logic comes back into the picture and I know to stay away. Isn't that what is best? I panicked tonight. I was at this hip hop concert, and I just wanted to collapse and vomit. Why is this so fucking hard? Love is insane like that. Love makes things so much different. I feel lost. I want to be found.

Hoi! People from Holland are weird.

Ripsy: How do I say "how are you?"
Wolf: Hoe gaat het?
Ripsy: hoe sounds like the garden tool?
Wolf: No
Wolf: the oe is like an owl ooh
Wolf: Like in oohhoo
Wolf: And like a cow: booo
Ripsy: so oe makes an ow noise
Ripsy: oh lol i got it
Ripsy: cows moo
Wolf: The Boo here in holland

I like funny people.

My favorite movie is Milo and Otis. It's about a dog and a cat, I can't remember their names though....

Flowers

I found flowers on my car. They could be from Mariah... or maybe not. I hope they were. That would make my lifetime. I doubt they were though. I can still dream.

Went to a party in the county jail...

I've never had a friend in jail before. My friend Josh from school is spending his summer break in a holding facility. I guess if commit a crime be prepared to do time, eh?

I have to write a bunch of letters today. What a weird list though... camp friends, sister, friend in jail.

Poor Josh. :-(

The weirdest thing will be the conversations that he'll have next year...

"Hey Josh!"
"Hi"
"So what'd you do this summer?"
"I was in jail."
"Oh."

Why not?

Random Quote...

"Money can't buy you happiness but poverty can't buy you anything."

I heart Kelli (Beery's girlfriend)

"What are you going to do to wake her up on her birthday?" -Me
"I don't know, maybe have the dog lick her." - Kelli
"Why not just put dog food on her face, that's one way to wake her." -Me
"Yeah... she'll go for that." - Kelli
"She will!" - Me
"I can't think of a better way to spend my girlfriend's birthday then by rubbing dog shit on her face and slapping her around." - Kelli

"What kind of card are you going to give her?" -Me
"I'm giving her 50 fucking roses, she doesn't need a fucking card." -Kelli

I have a name...

My dad sings to me at work.

"I see Aspen, I see France, I see Sara's underpants.
Over the mountains and over the sea.
I see the moon and the moon sees me under the leaves of the old oak tree.
Please let the moon that shines on me, shine on the one I love."

"God she doesn't think I'm for real... she doesn't know she's dealing with a genius. She doesn't think I know the lyrics to this song."

At the very least... she's funny.

5:48:54 PM Ripsy: lets elope.
5:49:03 PM L.12: deal
5:49:17 PM Ripsy: will there be cantalope?
5:49:55 PM L.12: no
5:50:01 PM Ripsy: gosh!
5:50:07 PM L.12: we dont have time for that
5:50:15 PM L.12: we're eloping RIGHT NOW
5:50:16 PM Ripsy: but it's so yummy!
5:50:27 PM L.12: baby, we'll make our own cantaloupe
5:50:30 PM Ripsy: lol
5:50:37 PM Ripsy: your melons are nice
5:50:40 PM L.12: ha
5:50:47 PM Ripsy: but they are incapable of making other melons
5:51:30 PM L.12: big deal
5:51:36 PM Ripsy: i'm just saying.
5:51:38 PM L.12: i meant we'll GROW melons
5:51:39 PM L.12: dur
5:53:38 PM Ripsy: ah
5:53:45 PM Ripsy: what kind?
5:53:59 PM L.12: obviously cantalope
5:54:04 PM L.12: since that's what you wanted

Sick to my stomach

I am not feeling ok. Mariah hasn't spoken to me in a few days, and that's to be expected since we're not going to have any contact. Thus, she's not going to speak to me. Isn't it weird though how we come to rely on people? Like, there's some weird stuff going on in my life right now, and I don't really want to tell anyone but her, and oddly enough I can't. I think I'm going to create an e-mail account for her and I'm just going to e-mail it everyday, and if she wants to check it she can. I suppose that's not the best idea though, right? But, I feel like if I don't talk to her I'm going to melt.

On what I suppose is a more positive note, my eye has officially stopped hurting. It's a nice relief. As I type this, Anne is on a plane to Prague. I'm glad she gets an adventure. How is it that I can be so upbeat and positive and then one bit of news drags me into a pool of dispair?

So, my cousin has cancer and it's definitely not going to be cured. He's my dad's age. Isn't it weird that when we are children these things don't really seem to exist? Think about it... we have no clue what death really is unless it directly effects our day to day life. We just can't seem to grasp it. Even as an adult it's not something we can really understand. Maybe, it's an American thing though, we spend so much energy trying to fight death, that by the time a person dies we can't handle it. Death is just as much a part of life as anything else, but it's still just something we can't comprehend.

Mreh.