The last dream was weird...

but this is cute!

A dream about M

Wow, yet another complex dream. A lot of people were there, but I guess the deal was that my dad's car was dying so if it broke down I had to go to the dealer to get a new car, but I stopped at Central to try and talk to Mariah, but Central was really a coutryard hotel and Brownell-Talbot. An alarm of some sorts went off and I couldn't gind her anywhere, so I looked for her and she was in the courtyard with Sara Cowan. I asked if I could speak with her and she lashed out at me. I asked if I could talk to her if Sara Cowan overheard and she said no. Then, I went with Sara Cowan somewhere, and I said that I had never ever been guilty of infidelity, and she goes that's why she is worried she thnks she might have been impregnated again... and I was so mad. I don't remember who the guy was, it's not important. But, then I was climbing on some wooden jungle gym and this God-like voice was giving me instructions. And then Nick Newman drank a 5 foot tall beer on top of a wooden rainbow bars gym with a Hasidic rabbi and then I woke up.

Dream

Wow, so I just woke up from the weirdest dream. I was at this party with some guy. I was definitely torn about Mariah still in my dream because I remember thinking about her a few times. So there was this kinda rugged older guy, and I guess I kissed him or something and doing the whole I can forget Mariah ordeal, and eventually we left and went back to his apartment. We were alone for a little bit and I kept thinking, "God I wish he'd touch me." Then I tried to close and lock the door to his apartment and he told me that it didn't work. Because he was convicted of some sort of crime, and panic just took over my mind. But, then people started coming over and I tried to leave, but I kept getting sucked into the party so I decided that maybe he wasn't half bad and I stuck around. Then I went to go to the door, and there was a gurney with a dead body on it accompanied by two paramedics. I flipped out and I put on my shoes and started to leave. He chased after me and panic really just took over my brain in my dream. I stopped and I looked at him and I was like, "No." He stood there while I ran down the escalator and got in a taxi. Then I woke up.

Interesting quote.

Sometimes I pause and realize breathing is a whole lot harder than I'd planned.

Economics?

"We don't learn economic terms because we are too busy reading about poor people. Poor people don't have economic terms because they are too busy dealing with poverty." - Sabrina

IF I AM NOT FOR MYSELF, WHO WILL BE FOR ME?
IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF, WHAT AM I? AND IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
-HILLEL

Writing...

Today was a bad day for me. It was a struggle to keep a façade. I broke down while talking to Ashley. I am so glad she was there to listen, because I don't know what I would have done otherwise. I am about to go to bed, but my head was filled with thoughts. I can't seem to write them down though. I never want to touch my livejournal again. It makes me sad to read it and look at it. Maybe I'll just let it go for a bit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's supposed to get easier with time? Bullshit, it hurts just as much if not more. I thought about doing drugs today. I don't know why though. I have no interest in them whatsoever. I honestly am very apathetic towards them as of now, but I just wanted to not care for 15 minutes. I just wanted to not hurt and not be sad. This is so tough. It's 1:38 in the morning. I broke one of my rules - bed before midnight... I can't sleep. I'm wide awake and it's morning. Wow, that title suddenly makes sense. I can't listen to Bright Eyes because I'll cry. I can't even look at the track names. I have been listening to a lot of punk. Punk is untainted. Punk is my safety music. I associate so many songs with her. Ugh, I feel so ill.

Thinking of her makes me cry.

God Only Knows

It's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful day and I am depressed. I talked to Mariah online today. It was tough. She posted in livejournal. I cried. I have so many emotions and I am so unhappy. If you wear a mask long enough it eventually comes true right? Maybe if I just fake being happy for long enough, I'll be alright. I am trying so hard and I know I've fucked shit up. I know she was tired of lying. I know. I know. I know.

I know and it's killing me. It really is. I am trying so hard to put on a happy face. I don't know what to do. I am mad that it is nice out, how selfish is that? I want it to hail. She said that she didn't believe me when I said I loved her, and I can understand that, but it hurts to hear. I meant it when I said that I wanted to spend my life with her. I know that I am young and stupid and 18, but still. This is a struggle. I am struggling. I just want to talk to Aryeh. He has always listened to me, unconditionally. That is his job, and I understand that, but still. He makes me want to be a rabbi.

When I was ten my grandfather died. I didn't talk to anyone about it for a long time. I think that in all honesty was the beginning of my unhappiness. I realized how shitty the world was at time. My parents would take Anne and me to UNMC and we would sit in the cafeteria while they got to spend time with him. They wouldn't let us see him because they wanted us to have positive memories of him and not sad ones, I understand that. We went for months like that. He got worse and worse, he was an old man with Alzheimer's and cancer. But, when you're 10, you don't understand. I remember the morning that he died. Anne and I were awoken by my mom. She had tears in her eyes as she put on her make-up. I asked her why she was crying and she told me that her contacts were irritating her. I asked where dad was and she that he had to go to work early. I think Anne was still going to Brownell at this time, but I'm not sure. But, I definitely was because I remember it being a formal uniform day. I went to school and told Miss Homolka about how my grandfather was getting better. After school my mom was sitting with us in the car and as we were leaving Brownell, she told us about papa. I was quite upset, but I was also mad that she didn't tell us before. We walked into the family room and dad was sitting on the couch. I have only seen my daddy cry once and that was the first time. Everything was kind of a blur after that. We kept shiva at Baba's and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I remember that my cousin Aaron was just born. He must've been only a few months old. Mary came and baby sat us on the day of the funeral. Anne and I were not allowed to go. However, my cousins were allowed to go to the funeral. That was quite upsetting to me. The first funeral I ever attended was Connor's. We had services and maybe a brunch at our house, I don't remember and it's not really important.

I don't even know why I am writing about my grandfather. It's not even the reason I am upset. I didn't even mean to tell that story.

I have senate in like 15 minutes. It's probably going to be a long night and boring as hell. I don't want to work on Mayfair. I really just want to lie in bed and sulk, and have Ashley comfort with funny stories. Wow, that's so pathetic sounding... I don't know what to say anymore.

Excerpt From Lance Armstrong's Book:

People die. That truth is so disheartening that at times I can't bear to articulate it. Why should we go on, you might ask? Why Don't we all just stop and lie down where we are? But there is another truth, too. People live. It's an equal and opposing truth. People live, and in the most remarkable ways.


It's weird to have my friends die. It's weird to have my friends' friends die. It's not going to get easier for us, only more for familiar. It's odd to me. As we grow we're going to lose more friends. But, on the other hand we are going to make new friends. Most of the people reading this, I assume it's just Hannah and me, are growing up right now. In ten years we will look back on our lives and we may still be friends, and maybe not. But, we'll have new friends and we'll grow as people. It's weird that we grow up. I have been watching "Hook" a lot these past few days. I miss being a child, but at the same time I don't. I don't want to grow up and yet I do. I have this amazing future right in front of me. And, I was thinking about it, I can wait a long time to wait and start my future, but I'd rather do it today. I want to get my life in order now and I want to get going on the right path. I think that's why I am so interested in Northwestern. Sarah Lawrence will allow me to fuck around for another three years and it won't be good for me. I know me. I know that I will probably do a lot of drugs if I stay here. I won't turn into the person I want to end up as. I can't tell my parents this, because I can barely tell them anything. But, I need to grow as a person, and SLC is not going to help me do that. Yeah, that's all for now. I didn't mean for this entry to be so depressing.

NOTE TO SELF:

NOTE TO SELF: YOU HATE MAYA

Think Happy Thoughts

Are you ever alone with your thoughts and you're just disappointed? Me too. A few moments I was in between listening to iTunes and watching "Saved!" and there was just this awkward moment where I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts weren't negative, it was just off. Oh well. I think this is the end of the post. I have nothing interesting to say and I'd rather just post later. I just wanted to remember that moment.

The Kind of Morning That Lasts All Afternoon

Last night we (Jen, Sarah, Sabrina, and I) played monopoly. They drank and I watched them drink. I left the game at 12:30. I talked to Hannah online for a bit and went to bed. I woke up this morning and discovered that my period had decided to grace me with its presence, only two weeks early... joy. Regardless, I spent most of my day lying in bed and watching Boiler Room. I think I watched it two or three times. I've had terrible cramps and have been nauseated all day. I talked to Hannah for a bit online. I told her about my dream and just like me she had no response to it. I really don't have all that much else say. I called Zach and left him a voice mail. I apologized to him and then he called me back. He forgave me and we made a little small talk. I called Sarah Alston, but people kept calling us, so I think we gave up on the idea of talking. I am currently watching Hook and will probably try and go to bed soon, yeah, I'm pretty pathetic. It's 8:49 and I am ready to go to bed... sigh. Oh well. I shall write more either later today or tomorrow.