Another song.

"But It's Better If You Do" - Panic! At The Disco

Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret.
Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name
As she sheds her skin on stage
I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A.
The strip joint veteran sits two away
Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety
Oh, and isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Oh, but I'm afraid that I
Well, I may of faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, that's right, that I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety
Oh, and isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, I may of faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

Well, I'm afraid that I
Well, that's right, well I may have faked it
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety
Oh, and isn't this exactly where you'd like me
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Praying for love and paying in naivety
Praying for love and paying in naivety, oh.

Writing on writing

It's surprising how much better I feel after writing about everything that is bugging me.

I am a retard.

WHY WHY WHY? Why do I still love you? Well, I'll always love you. How can you stop loving someone? You can't, but why is right now so particuarly hard? I don't want another relationship. I can't hold hands with people, I'm cold and uncaring. I don't want to talk about myself with people, I think Kim is the only one I talk to here. I'm physically and emotionally cold. I can't drink here. Everytime I drink I vomit. I don't long for home like I did last year, I enjoy it here. I am glad I have Kim as a friend. It's interesting how different my friendship is with her than it is with Hannah, Ashley, Jen, Margaret, or Molly. Every friend is different. That's nice.

I wonder if I was more of a jerk then things would be different. I don't know what to think, I don't think being an asshole makes things better. Especially not with us. I guess there will never really be an us again. But, maybe we'll be friends someday, but maybe not. That would suck, because there are times when I know you'd have the best advice. But, who knows. There's still another two months of silence.

I'm sorry about your grandfather. Having a grandfather in the hospital is the worse. When my grandpa was in the hospital I wasn't allowed to see him. I hated my parents for that, but I was 10, and I didn't understand. I used to hate the hospital for letting my grandpa die. I used to have nightmares about him and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I hated myself for not knowing him better. I hated myself for everytime I told myself I disliked him because he had scolded me, but he loved me. I miss running into his office and hugging him or going out to lunch with him and my father when I had days off of school. Life is fragile, and there are many things we regret in hindsight. I remember the day he died. It was the first time I saw my father cry. It's tough to know that you are helpless. I wish that I could hug you and rub your back and tell you it will be ok. I can't do that for you. I promise you it will be ok, I give you my word on this. It won't be at first, but it will with time. Time supposedly heals all wounds, but death sucks. Death is permanent. The thing to remember is not to be sad about the death, because although it is sad, it's the memories we have. A person can never truly be dead if we remember them.

Everything that has happened to you has happened to someone else before, and to that's a comforting thing. Other people have survived the same things that you. I don't know if any of this helps. But, I suppose that you shouldn't feel so bad about the things you didn't do, but the things that you did do with your grandfather.

Quote of the day!

"pot makes me sleepy but when i try to sleep i start thinking about elephants riding bunnies and little girls being stabbed with knives at 100 times the speed of normal. voting alcohol."

I get by with a little help from my friends

I had a lovely heart to heart with Katie Mapes tonight. It was nice to have someone to talk to about relationships and friendships and growing up, that's not to say that I don't have people I can talk to, but it's nice to know that I can talk to her. It is weird to grow up and mature and see your friends go in different paths. Odd. Then I talked to Dario about my lack of trusting people, not all people, but certain ones. We talked about weeding people out of my life and doing what is best for me. I also talked to Amanda about relationships it was a nice talk. I guess tonight has been a night about relationships and friendships. Incoherent thoughts at 3am.

When I go home I think of you.

"Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Off Her Clothes" - Panic! At The Disco

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as you're fingers touch your skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no you know it will always just be, me

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So I guess we're back to us, oh cameraman, swing the focus
In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off?
(Let's pick up, pick up)

Oh now I do recall, we just were getting to the part
Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.
I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention.
Now let's not get selfish
Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no you know it will always just be, me

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

Do you still read this?

I didn't invite you to the movie. Just wanted you to know. Because, honestly I'm not over you. I couldn't have handled seeing you, much less seeing Rent with you. Maybe, I'm just a fool.